DON’T EAT THE MEAT, IT COULD KILL YOU

If you were under the comforting illusion that your pre-packaged meat products weren’t actively trying to murder you in your own fridge, allow us to introduce this week’s dystopian deli special.

On April 29, the Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) announced that Smith Packing, LLC, based in Utica, New York—a city not previously known for weaponized lunch meat—is recalling a cool 18,792 pounds of ready-to-eat sausage and sliced meats because, oops, they were seasoned with way too much sodium nitrite, a chemical best known for making red blood cells forget how to make oxygen.

Yes, that sodium nitrite — the “oh-it’s-fine-in-small-doses” yellowish-white powder often used to preserve and flavor meat. Unfortunately, when you dump in too much, it becomes the culinary equivalent of sprinkling your ham with carbon monoxide and a kiss from the Grim Reaper. At very high levels, it can literally kill you. But sure, tell us again how “flavor-enhancing” it is.

So, how did this all come to light? Well, consumers started noticing something was… off. As in: “Why does my sausage taste like a battery?” and “Why does this bologna look like it’s been embalmed?”

To their credit, Smith Packing eventually told FSIS, “Hey, about that meat we’ve been shipping out for two months… we might’ve overdone the nitrite. Like, a lot.”

According to the recall, the possibly-lethal lunch meat was produced between February 19 and April 24, 2025 — which, if you’re keeping track, is over two months of sausages marinating in potential health violations. The products were shipped all over New York State, including to institutions and retail locations. Because if there’s one place that doesn’t need a surprise respiratory collapse, it’s a school cafeteria.

And this wasn’t just one brand or one sausage gone rogue. The recall list reads like a pirate’s picnic menu:

• As-Salaam Beef Breakfast Sausage

• Honest John Polish Sausage (insert ironic snort here)

• Smith Packing Export Bologna

• Beefland USA Regular Beef Sausage (as if “Beefland USA” doesn’t already sound ominous)

• As-Salaam Hot Roasted Chicken Sausage Garlic (because if the nitrites don’t knock you out, the garlic might)

We asked GM… wait, no, sorry, we asked Smith Packing what went wrong here. Their response? Basically a corporate shrug wrapped in PR plastic:

“In coordination with the USDA, Smith agreed to a recall… Approximately 90% of the product never left the warehouse.”

Translation: “Only about 10% of the death sausage made it to your kitchen, so like… relax?”

And while most of it may be off the shelves now, the FSIS issued their usual plea for Americans to dig into their refrigerators and freezers, because apparently this is our problem now. If you’ve got any of the suspect meat, do not eat it, serve it, microwave it, or even look at it funny. Just throw it away or return it, and maybe take a moment to reflect on the fact that we’re still poisoning meat in 2025 like it’s the 1870s and Upton Sinclair hasn’t even been born yet.

Bon appétit, America.