The Great American Pull-the-Plug Plan

Because who needs breathable air or functioning appliances anyway?

Ah, yes, nothing says “Powering the Great American Comeback” like pulling the plug on climate protection and energy efficiency. The Trump administration, in a display of inspired 19th-century thinking, is reportedly preparing to eliminate two key Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) divisions that, until now, were quietly toiling away trying to prevent the planet from becoming a pizza oven.

First on the chopping block: the climate change division and the climate protection partnership division, both buried within the EPA’s Office of Air and Radiation (which, let’s be honest, is sounding more ironic by the minute). These departments have had the audacity to focus on trivial matters like greenhouse gases, methane emissions, and—you know—basic planetary survival.

And what else is going extinct? Only the Energy Star program, that pesky, bipartisan, consumer-friendly initiative started under George H. W. Bush (back when Republicans still believed in thermostats). The same program that helps Americans find energy-efficient appliances and shave billions off their utility bills. How offensive!

Apparently, saving households $40 billion annually on just a $32 million federal investment is too socialist a return. After all, why should a government help its citizens not set fire to their electric bills?

But don’t worry—EPA officials assure us that this isn’t a gutting of essential environmental infrastructure. No, no. These are “organizational improvements,” clearly. Because when you’re out of ideas, throw in buzzwords like “streamlining” or “restructuring” and hope nobody notices the smoke.

To be fair, the staff won’t all be fired immediately. The EPA is first offering a classy round of “deferred resignations”—also known as “get out or we’ll push you out later.” The exact number of pink slips remains a mystery, perhaps stashed somewhere in the methane clouds over Texas.

And lest you worry that these actions are scientifically unsound, fear not: the Trump EPA is also rolling back over a dozen Biden-era pollution rules and rethinking a foundational scientific finding that says climate pollution is bad. Because if science says something inconvenient, just vote it off the island.

So yes, in summary: climate programs? Axed. Energy efficiency? Buh-bye. Logic? Unplugged. But hey—at least we’ve got our “Great American Comeback.” Just don’t forget to pack sunscreen, a gas mask, and a diesel generator.