Waymo’s Robotaxis Recalled, Fail to Grasp the Concept of “Gate”

May 15

Self-driving cars slam into chains, fences, and telephone poles — because clearly, obstacle detection is still in beta

Right then. Gather ‘round for another tale from the electric clown car circus — this time starring Waymo, Alphabet’s fleet of self-driving taxis, which are so clever they’ve decided that gates, chains, and stationary objects are apparently optional extras.

According to filings with the NHTSA — America’s favorite bureaucratic wet blanket — Waymo had to quietly shuffle out a software recall late last year. Why? Because their whizz-bang, “we don’t need human drivers anymore” robotaxis were playing demolition derby with parking lot chains, boom gates, and the sort of objects that haven’t moved since the Eisenhower administration. There were at least seven of these little love taps reported, and let’s be honest, if the cars can’t tell the difference between a driveway and a drawbridge, we’re all doomed.

Of course, there were no injuries, because the only thing these cars managed to harm was common sense. Still, Waymo updated the software for 1,200 of its robotaxis — presumably teaching them that steel gates are not holograms. And yes, because we live in a world where cars update themselves like iPhones, that apparently counts as fixing something.

Fast-forward to now: Waymo has 1,500 of these things buzzing around places like Austin, Phoenix, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. Yes, cities already congested and confusing enough without adding 1,500 silent electric butlers driving around with the combined awareness of a goldfish in a snowstorm.

But wait, it gets better. During the government’s ongoing “evaluation” — which is code for “please stop hitting things” — Waymo fessed up to nine more incidents. The most absurd? In June 2024, one of these digital chauffeurs decided that a telephone pole was a suggestion, not an obstacle. And earlier that year? Two robotaxis independently ploughed into the same pickup truck — one being towed at the time, no less. You can’t make this up.

Now, back in my day, a car was something you drove — with pedals, gears, noise, and the ever-looming threat of death if you didn’t pay attention. These Waymo pods, on the other hand, are like mobile spreadsheets: silently making decisions based on algorithms that apparently think metal poles are virtual reality.