“You Bet Your IRS”

Billy Long goes from selling imaginary tax credits to running the IRS. Next up: Harpo for Secretary of Silence.

President Trump, a man who’s had more bankruptcies than birthdays, wants to put Billy Long, a former congressman from Missouri, in charge of the IRS. That’s like putting a pyromaniac in charge of Smokey Bear. It’s not a tax plan — it’s a fire sale!

Billy’s qualifications for this job? Oh, top-notch! He’s got no background in tax law, but he did take a three-day course from something called “Excel Empire.” I don’t know if that’s a tax school or a mattress store — but either way, I wouldn’t trust it to calculate a tip, let alone run the nation’s tax agency.

And get this — after Congress, Billy spent his time working with companies that promised folks giant IRS refunds using something called a “tribal tax credit.” Sounds noble, right? Very spiritual. Only one little problem: the IRS says that credit doesn’t exist. Poof! Gone! Like a toupee in a wind tunnel.

He also pushed something called the employee retention credit, which turned into a fraud free-for-all faster than you can say “audit.” He worked with a company called Lifetime Advisors. Lifetime! That’s how long it’ll take to untangle the paperwork. They took 20% of every refund they helped file. That’s not a fee — that’s a heist with a paper trail!

Now the IRS, the agency he’s about to run, is saying people who promote these credits could face criminal penalties. But don’t worry — they haven’t arrested him yet. They’re probably still trying to finish reading his financial disclosure, which reads like a ransom note written in crayon.

Oh, and after Trump picked him for the job, guess who started donating to his old Senate campaign? That’s right — the same companies pushing these sketchy credits! Billy took the donations and immediately paid himself back. That’s not fundraising — that’s robbing Peter to pay Paul, and then charging Paul interest.

Billy used to sponsor bills to abolish the IRS, and now he wants to run it. That’s like saying he doesn’t want to shut down the piano industry — it just doesn’t play.

Look, I’m no tax expert. I don’t even like counting past 21 unless I’m playing blackjack. But if this is who’s running the IRS, I’ve got only one piece of advice: hide your receipts, marry your accountant, and start a religion. Apparently, that’s still tax-exempt for now.

And as for me? I intend to file under “comedian, disillusioned,” claim a deduction for emotional distress, and pray the only audit I get is from my piano teacher.

Oh, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll just claim the tribal tax credit. If anyone asks, tell ’em I’m 1/16th sarcasm.