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Motorola Solves Modern Loneliness with Swarovski-Covered Earbuds That Whisper “You’re Fabulous” in 4 Different AI Voices

In a bold move to combine high-tech with high-glam, Motorola has released crystal-encrusted earbuds so sparkly they can be seen from low orbit. Designed for those who want their ears to scream, “I don’t need friends, I have accessories,” the Moto Buds Loop offer a dazzling way to listen to podcasts about minimalism while flexing maximum bling. Preloaded with AI assistants from every major tech company except Etsy, the earbuds are poised to make your ears the most emotionally intelligent part of your body.

Motorola’s strategy? Distract consumers from existential dread with fashion-forward microelectronics, because if you can’t fix your life, you can at least make your cartilage look rich.