“The Meth, the Machine Gun, and the Meerkats: A Nature Special”

[David Attenborough voice]

Here, nestled along the misty coastal plains of southern Oregon, we find a truly remarkable gathering of creatures: camels, kangaroos, kinkajous, and—until recently—a deeply suspicious quantity of methamphetamine.

[Marlin Perkins voice]

That’s right, Dave. The West Coast Game Park Safari looked like your average American roadside animal attraction: goats, cougars, maybe a wallaby or two. But underneath the surface? A wildlife soap opera meets a low-budget episode of Breaking Bad.
[Cut to a grumpy capuchin monkey named Randy]

“Oh yeah, we knew something was off. You don’t see 44 firearms and a modified machine gun stashed under a pile of lemur chow without askin’ questions. I mean, one time I found a pistol in my hammock. Thought it was enrichment.”

[Attenborough, solemnly]

The dominant male of the enclosure, one Brian Tenney, age 52, has been removed from the habitat following an unexpected and highly unusual raid—led not by rival predators, but the Coos County Sheriff’s Department.

[Marlin Perkins]

They found 80 grams of meth, 8 grams of cocaine, and $1.6 million in cash. Folks, that’s not a safari. That’s a cartel with petting privileges.