“The Meth, the Machine Gun, and the Meerkats: A Nature Special”

Narrated by Sir David Attenborough and Marlin Perkins (with interruptions by several disgruntled animals)

[David Attenborough voice]

Here, nestled along the misty coastal plains of southern Oregon, we find a truly remarkable gathering of creatures: camels, kangaroos, kinkajous, and—until recently—a deeply suspicious quantity of methamphetamine.

[Marlin Perkins voice]

That’s right, Dave. The West Coast Game Park Safari looked like your average American roadside animal attraction: goats, cougars, maybe a wallaby or two. But underneath the surface? A wildlife soap opera meets a low-budget episode of Breaking Bad.

[Cut to a dazed llama wearing sunglasses]

“I just thought it was part of the park’s vibe, you know? Like Burning Man with hooves.”

[Attenborough]

As the law enforcement species descended, so too did veterinary specialists and personnel from the Oregon Humane Society. Their task: evaluate over 300 creatures for health, safety, and the sort of emotional trauma one acquires from living above a cocaine stash.

[Marlin, now crouched behind a tortoise]

They even found a kinkajou. Poor guy—kept asking if it was Tuesday or Paraguay. No one knew. No one had the heart to tell him he lived next to a meth lab.

[Attenborough, whispering dramatically]

Some were not so lucky. One camel, a chicken, and the aforementioned kinkajou were euthanized. It is a somber reminder that even in nature, collateral damage is real.

[Cut to a very irritated emu in aviator goggles]

“They took my roommate to a sanctuary. I got stuck with this peacock who won’t stop talking about essential oils and cryptocurrency.”

[Marlin Perkins, arms wide in disbelief]

This place had everything: flamingos next to felonies, armadillos near AR-15s, capybaras by cashier’s checks. A veritable Noah’s Ark of tax evasion.

[Attenborough, with dramatic gravity]

While Mr. Tenney has been released pending further investigation—presumably to wander off into the Oregon fog like a raccoon who’s misplaced his court date—the animals have been relocated to sanctuaries, where the only white powder is calcium supplement and the only firearms are tranquilizer darts.

[Final shot: a kangaroo in a hammock sipping chamomile tea]

“New place is quiet. Real grass. No one’s offered me cocaine all week. Honestly? I’m thriving.”

⸻

[Marlin Perkins, tipping his hat]

And that, folks, is how you bust a petting zoo kingpin with a camel, a chicken, and enough meth to power a hummingbird for a decade.

[Attenborough, softly]

Nature is resilient. But please… don’t store automatic weapons in the meerkat enclosure.